Sunday, November 1, 2009
Fear
As i'm cleaning the kitchen I came across Hunter's leaf artwork, Hunter loves to pick up sticks, rocks, and leaves. He brings them home to mommy and daddy all the time. When I go to throw them away (we have lots) instead of thinking oh how sweet and cute the thought comes to my mind to take a picture in case Hunter's dies, that was a special thing we would want to remember. I find myself doing that alot!! I cried one day when Hunter was in the truck with his daddy (in front of me), just thinking what would happen if Hunter died... i just sobbed for really no reason, Hunter was just fine with Steve. I kiss him each night after he is asleep and I wonder if even I passed away would he know how much I loved him, was I a good mom for him. Would he remember the fun times we had. Now the same fears have moved to Henry, I check him several times a night, worry if he coughs to much or if he acts different in any way I feel something really bad might be wrong. When I go out i'm really nervious having both of them, like I would forget one or someone will take one. I just can't protect them eneough. I know this isn't normal but I just fear so much, almost as if things have been too "calm" around our family maybe something terriable is going to happen. When Steve leaves the house I think will that be the last time. I just want to hug and kiss him tight each time. My eyes just start to water thinking about ANYTHING happening to the "GUYS" in my life, I love and adore them, I would give my life for them. Having them consumes my life without them I would be empty. I get overwhelmed when it comes to my mind. I have actually planned a funeral in my mind. I hope and pray this is NOT the lord trying to tell me something. Have any of you ever felt this way?? Is this a lack of faith, because I have these thoughts and fears? Please share with me, I know someone out there has the comforting words that I need.
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4 comments:
Alicia, I think we all have moments like this. I know that sometimes, when Adam has the kids in the van with him and I'm not there, I get this horrible idea in my mind that a giant semi-truck or bus is going to smash into them! I get all upset and end up in tears just like you.
Also, if Adam is late geting home, as in an hour late, I automatically fear the absolute worst and think that he's dead somewhere. I've even bought him i.d. tags to wear when he's out running.
Here's the thing...if those thoughts come to your mind, don't entertain them. Think of being Steve's "love dr." on halloween, and how you let the fun ladies take Henry and hold and play with him while you courageously stayed with Hunter! You are getting braver and braver!!!
I want to say one more thing...
Accidents will happen. You are a wonderful mother in every way. What you can't stop are accidents, but what you CAN do is let that knowlege empower you! Your life is carfully designed. Whether you have a child for a fleeting 9 months of gestation or a lifetime of crazy ups, downs and somersaults, you HAVE that child, and you HAVE that husband....forever.
Oh Alicia, I TOTALLY do this!!!!! You are totally normal. I honestly think that every mother who loves their kids probably does this.
One time I even had such a big melt down that I phoned the dental school in a panic and told them it was an emergency that I talk to Justin. I had a feeling that something was wrong and I needed to know he was ok.
I could tell you more, but I don't need to. Love you ... your not crazy! :-)
Thank you Lauren and Kira! You both said things I have felt..and kira I totally have done that.. but I have called around to steve's friends becuase I was so worried. And I use to not want Steve to takes the kids anywhere without me in the car just like you said Lauren. Your thoughts and comments help me to just breath and not worry so much.. it sounds like what i'm feeling is very common and normal! Most things are out of my control. Love you ladies! Thanks!!
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