A Heavy Heart

The past couple of weeks my heart has been heavy with so many emotions. Sadness, compassion, love, and peace all wrapped up in one. A sweet friend of mine delivered her precious baby daughter at 7 months only to have to give her back to our Heavenly Father, her baby was perfect. As I talked with her and read her blog all of my emotions came back of the experience that Steve and I went thru with our daughter Haley 6 years ago. It is amazing to me how fresh and so close to the surface my feelings and emotions are even over the amount of time it has been. I felt so much love for my friend and I just cryed with her, mourned with her and I KNEW exactly how she felt. I remember a quote by Joseph Smith, that the bishop gave in his talk about stillborn babies... “The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth. It makes you feel better to know that baby is PERFECT but really all we want is her to be with us on the earth...

Which lead me to another talk that I have heard over and over and yet I get something different out of each time. "Five Scriptures that will help you get thru almost anything, by John Bytheway" In Alma 14:9-13 "Your work is not finished" Joseph smith quotes "No righteous man is ever taken before his time"

SO what is my work....

Boyd K. Packer gave a talk called "The Play the Plan" - first act is a previous pre-mortal existence with God, the second act is the, Trials, Temptations, Tests, and Tradegy of this mortal life, and the third act is a glorious future of eternity.

Act 2 has been in full force for my family, I look back at my life... and really I have been blessed, yes I have gone thru a TON of CRAP!! But on the other hand I have been able to "just keep swimming", and do you know what I see? I see that I'm able to help someone that is going thru a divorce because I have been divorced, I have layed my baby girl to rest in her pure white dress and a white wood box, not in a girly pink crib, just like my dear friend, I have been to the Doctor over and over and they told me the cancer is still there you will need to do radiation, no you can't get pregnant, you must wait, when all I wanted was another baby... I can look back and see how the lord has walked beside me thru it all. He does have a plan, now 3 yrs later I have been able to hold my new baby in my arms, go to a doctor and they say yes your cancer has shrunk, 7yrs of marriage... I have been blessed to have another husband so loving and caring, his love is so special and comforting, he is my best friend. I feel the peace of my savior and father in heaven that I will have my dear baby girl again, and that is what I have to hold on to and envision.

I asked the question why so many times and I have come to realize why was the wrong question it should have been WHAT??? What can I learn from this and what can I do?? I feel the lord is so patient with me, it has taken a LONG time for me to get to this point... to know he wants me to serve, hold the hand of those that are going thru the trials I have gone thru... have compassion on others and help them the way the lord has helped me, comforted me and loved me. He prepares us "to feed his sheep".

I love this talk by Jeffrey L Holland: It is about the time that Joseph Smith had in Jail - I have felt this way many times..so helpless and alone.
Whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry, “Where art Thou?” it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us—where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us.

When lonely, cold, hard times come, we have to endure, we have to continue, we have to persist. That was the Savior’s message in the parable of the importuning widow (see Luke 18:1–8; see also Luke 11:5–10). Keep knocking on that door. Keep pleading. In the meantime, know that God hears your cries and knows your distress. He is your Father, and you are His child.

When what has to be has been and when what lessons to be learned have been learned, it will be for us as it was for the Prophet Joseph. Just at the time he felt most alone and distant from heaven’s ear was the very time he received the wonderful ministration of the Spirit and the glorious answers that came from his Father in Heaven:

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes” (D&C 121:7–8).

After this past week and seeing my sweet friend struggle with the passing of her baby it has really made me miss my little girl. It was so fresh in my mind and heart and I asked myself am I missing her enough, does she know we love her? She was real, she was ours, she came to our family, she is perfect, and so missed and loved more than words can explain. As tears come out of my eyes, they are wiped away with a peaceful feeling that I know that she is just fine "her work was done" she is with her Papa and loved ones... she is taken care of.

I smile and even laugh sometimes of the crazy things I have been thru, I still smile thinking about Haley... the way she kicked me and moved when I played her teddy bear music to her. Then when I did radiation, I glowed green, at least that was the joke of the girls, when they dropped and ran after leaving something special and sweet on my door. Those friends changed my life and I will always be touched by there love and kindness. The lord has blessed me after each trial and I can see them. My trials have also allowed others to serve me, this makes the lord smile. His plan is working.... :)

Thanks for listening and letting me clear my heart and mind... I can't wait for the third act... the glorious future of eternity.