As I layed on the couch last night awake at 2:30 A.M.... because my sweet husband was sick, I'm trying to get Henry to sleep thru the night and my dog is howling and barking at anything that moves outside... (it is a wonder I get any sleep ever). I layed there thinking about the mom I wanted to be. NOT the mom I am. When you where growing up, did you ever think, Oh I'm totally going to be this kind of mom that does ______ ______ _______?
Well I always thought I was going to be the FUN LOVING MOM, the one that had so much energy, was never going to yell, spank, get frustrated, etc... I was going to be the COOL MOM!
The mom that the kids would love to hang with, bring friends over and the kids just thought wow your mom is so fun. Hummmm well that thought was at like at age 16, 20 how about WAY before I HAD KIDS!
I'm so blessed to have the beautiful boys that I have. But let me just say, I'm raising a "wild stallion"! If I could describe Hunter in one word it would be "spirit". Hunter is like the movie spirit, he is a wild horse that I need to tame without breaking him. I love his personality, his eagerness to learn, his thrill for adventure, his love for life, laughter and that Strong personality will be great when he is in the work force or a teenager and he picks the right choice because he is a leader......and then there is the stubborn boy that will hit a wall, slam a door, yell at me and say mean things the minute he doesn't get his way. How do I handle it... I don't like to spank, it takes the "happy" spirit out of the home, I feel terrible afterwards and it really doesn't' affect him. So how do I react..... "without emotion.. that is key for me.. I'm so emotional".
I find myself many nights just asking the lord for forgiveness for not being the best mom I could have been. For getting frustrated, yelling, not playing enough. I know that the Lord trusts me with these little guys. And I fall short so many times. I know I can be hard on myself but really there has to be a better way.
Why is it such a struggle? Do you have those days? If you have a Strong willed child what ideas could you give me? There are days that I love my sweet son so much, and others I love him but I just didn't like him. I felt beat, like I lost the battle with the 4 yr old.
I so love our great fun times, the laughter in the living room with the family. The boys playing, and I also sooo love bedtime. They really do look adorable when they are sleeping. :)
So I'm just venting but I would LOVE your thoughts, ideas, share away...... how can I be that mom! Easy going, not emotional... just fun loving and happy all the time.
Hunter gave me a mother's day card and it was so sweet, It said "MY MOM...
My mom is 35
My mom is the prettiest when she puts on pink clothes
My mom likes to make food for me
My Mom is funny when she makes funny faces
My mom always say "be a good boy"
It was all so sweet to read and then I really thought about what he hears me say: (be a good boy) ...
Really is that what he remembers not I LOVE YOU or Have a good day.... be a good boy is what he remembers. Do I worry to much about the small stuff to see the fun? I do tell him I love him lots, but that doesn't seem to be what he remembers, how sad to my heart.
This quote came to mind from the prophet Gordon B. Hinckley
"In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
Laughter Huh.... it does sure sound better than crying, whining, and timeout! I'm sure not a perfect mom by any means, but I do want to be a Happy, Loving, Caring, PATIENT, Cool mom! The kind of mom you see at the park with there kids having fun, full of energy and life.
I feel that if I'm having these thoughts than there needs to be a change. A change in my attitude, my attention to my boys. Is this why my 4yr old is so feisty sometimes. What can I do as his mom, as his caretaker, as a tool in the lords hands for this perfect child to make this time special. I found this quote just as I was finishing writing this blog.
"Work at our responsibility as parents as if everything in life counted on it."
— Gordon B. Hinckley
I'm grateful for new days so I can really make it count, and work on being "that Mom I want to be". How do you do it each day?
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4 comments:
Alicia, you ARE emotional, which is one of the wonderful things about you! You are always caring so much about others and wanting to be there for everyone. Unfortunely for us, our kids won't understand this until they are grown. He'll know someday just how much you agonize every single day about your boys. He'll know it on the day his own child is born...then he'll understand. :-)
Alicia- you ARE that mom- the same one you describe that you want to be. I look at you and see you play and wrestle and jump on the trampoline and dance and move your body and chase him and tease him and play. The feelings of inadequacy that you are having are not indicative of any failing on your part. And the feisty nature of your son is not your fault- it is just the way he came. Just keep trying- doing what you are doing- rewarding good behavior and following through with "discipline" when needed. Try to focus on the positive and it will seem like there is even more. (Hey, I think I need to take my own advice(: ).
I feel your pain girl. The fact that you worry so much tells me what a good mom you are. The problem is these little guys come here with their own personality, agenda and agency. We can't control anything really, except us. But you can love (which you do abundantly). Following through on consequences, focusing on the positive and choosing your battles. That is part of your life for the next 18 or so years. Many days it will seem as if you didn't do anything right. But that is satan getting to you. He's your worst enemy in child-rearing. The second-guessing, feelings of inadequacy etc... Just remember, your job is to love and teach. If you do that, you've done what the Lord would have you do. Lighten up on yourself. Life is good and you have a piece of heaven on earth. I know. I read your blog!!!!
Alicia, you are a good mom! Your post reminded me of so many of the things I have beat myself up about from time to time, and worries that I've had about my boys. I will tell you that with time he'll mature and many of these things he will outgrow. Four years old is tough, but eight years old is wonderful! Just keep praising the good things he does, and he will live up to your praise.
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